In honor of Valentine’s day, I thought devoting a blog to relationships would be in order. It’s important to know what you need in a relationship to make it work, but it’s as equally important to know what to keep out of relationships to keep them healthy. This is essentially a blog about what not to do in relationships based on the work of John Gottman.

John Gottman is a leading researcher in the field of relationships and divorce. He has studied couples for decades and identified several behaviors that will kill a relationship. He calls these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The more often these appear in the relationship, the more likely it is the relationship will end.

1.) Criticism

Criticizing is attacking your partner at the core of their character. It’s a global assessment of them as a human being (i.e. “You’re selfish!”). It makes the recipient feel assaulted, defensive, rejected, and hurt. Criticism can become pervasive, and when that happens, it sets the stage for the other horsemen to appear.

2.) Contempt

Contempt will follow if there is frequent criticism in the relationship. This is the most damaging of all the horsemen. The purpose of contempt is to hurt, and it manifests itself with mean-spirited communication including disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, eye-rolling, and scoffing. The recipient will feel despised and worthless. Based on Gottman’s research, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

3.) Defensiveness

We all do this. It’s generally a reaction to criticism where we feel unjustly attacked. We make excuses, deny, or play the victim. This strategy is not usually successful and can escalate frustration in our partner. It sends the message we won’t take accountability for our mistakes and don’t take their concerns seriously.

3.) Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when the listener disengages from the interaction, shuts down, or stops responding to their partner. This tends to appear as a response to contempt. Stonewalling indicates a person has hit their limit and reached a level of emotional and physiological escalation that they can’t continue in the interaction in a productive way.

If you are struggling with a relationship and want to work through it in counseling, I’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

Our therapist, Ben has extensive experience working with men from adolescence to later adulthood. He has developed a specialization in Men’s Issues that will be a focus of his clinical work at Evolve Counseling Services in addition to working with clients who are dealing with depression and anxiety. Below is a summary of how Ben approaches therapy with men:

1. We will talk like regular people: Men often speak in ways that are down to earth and to the point. No need for vague, flowery statements. I always thought of what I do as just a sincere conversation between everyday people, no different than friends catching up during a lunch break. Humor is often a part of my time with people. Not everything needs to be serious and learning to laugh at something is often good for us.

2. Keep it practical: Men often think in practical, cause and effect terms. When our car breaks down we don’t “feel” like the head gasket is blown, we understand the mechanical relationships between all of the parts and see what isn’t working. Problem solving for personal challenges are no different. It will be obvious how any tools used in therapy can make your situation better.

3. A hyper-focus on emotion is not essential: Two common stereotypes about therapy. 1.) Therapy works by being intensely in touch with your emotions. 2.) You have to talk about the hardest and most personal things in your life for therapy to work. Let’s address these. A high emotional focus may work for some people but there are so many more options to improve your life that don’t involve intense connection with feeling or dwelling on the past.

4. Talk about what you want to: Your time in therapy is just that, YOURS! I’m here to help you with the projects that you want to tackle. No need to talk about things that are too personal. I’m not here to “fix” you for someone else. I’m in your corner. Period.

5. An understanding of men’s issues: It is statistically supported that men do face unique challenges. For example, men more commonly receive threats of physical violence, work dangerous jobs, and spend more time away from family for work. Being a man has its benefits and burdens but the fact that men are facing such daunting challenges speaks volumes to our nature and implies we experience stress unique to us. Not only have I taken the time to understand what is unique to men, but I have lived much of it myself.

If you are interested in addressing Men’s Issues and working with Ben in therapy, we’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

This time of year can be tricky. It’s been labeled “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” but for a lot of people that doesn’t seem to be the case. Many of my clients note increased stress and depression this time of year. Here are a few things you can do to help keep joy in the season.

Lower Your Expectations

So many of us get caught up in throwing the perfect get together, or finding the perfect present, or cooking the perfect meal that we’re inadvertently putting intense pressure on ourselves. That pressure builds, and what’s supposed to bring happiness, ends up being an exercise in stress. Things don’t have to be perfect. It’s OK that they are decent or good enough. The pursuit of perfection will make you overlook the real purpose of what you’re intention is-nurturing relationships and enjoying your loved ones. Instead of focusing on perfection, focus on the connection with others, and if the holiday meal is overcooked, oh well.   

Be in the Present

Because this time of year demands so much from us, we tend to get caught up in everything we have to do, and life becomes a never-ending checklist. Before we know it, the season is over, and we feel like we missed it. As much as possible, try to be in the present moment and focus on what’s going on in front of you. Yep, I’m talking about mindfulness. If you need a quick refresher on mindfulness or a brief introduction, read the blog from June 2019 titled “What’s Mindfulness.” This skill is particularly helpful during this busy season. It will keep you enjoying the present moment instead of being subjected to all the stressors floating around in your head.

Reconnect with what the Season Means to You

This time of year means different things to different people. For some, it’s about spending time with loved ones and deepening relationships. For others, it’s an especially spiritual or religious time that requires additional devotion. Whatever the reason, try to clarify what this season means to you and live those values. When we have meaning attached to things, we tend to feel more fulfilled. Instead of a season of stress and aggravation, focusing on purpose can bring a sense of satisfaction and contentment.

If you are struggling with holiday stress and want to work through it in counseling, I’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

Coincidentally, many of my clients have been dealing with grief recently. This prompted me to learn more about it, so I picked up The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman to see if there would be anything helpful for my clients contained in their writing. Several concepts stood out to me, and I believe they are essential to understand when dealing with grief.

What is Grief?

This is a tough question, and there is no one universal answer. James and Friedman conceptualize grief as the normal and natural emotions one experiences in response to a loss event. These can be any emotion, and often, they are contradictory. For example, it’s quite common to feel sadness as well as relief when a loved one dies as the result of a chronic illness. The authors highlight there is no “normal” grief process. Grief is unique to each individual, and whatever that person feels is appropriate.

What we are told about grief

Grief is complicated by the fact that societally, we are not well-trained to handle it. Typically, well-meaning friends and family will try to provide comfort and reassurance by making statements that are not helpful. James and Friedman distill the messages we receive about grief into the following:

• Don’t feel bad
• Replace the loss
• Grieve alone
• Just give it time
• Be strong for others
• Keep busy

They explain that these messages stifle the grief process. How many of these messages look familiar to you? What have you been told about grief?

The G Word

Many of my clients express guilt after a loss and beat themselves up for actions or inactions they took. I hear consistently “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I…” James and Friedman call guilt “The G word” and explain many people experience it after a loss; however, guilt is not needed in these situations. They break down the definition of guilt which includes INTENT to hurt someone. If there is no intent, they argue that guilt is not warranted and does nothing except exacerbate an already painful situation. They explain that people may wish they had done things differently or have regrets. There are things they wish they could have said or actions they would take back. However, as long as there was no intent to hurt their loved one, guilt does not need to be a part of the grief process. James and Friedman point out this piece of information is generally helpful for grievers to know as they can free themselves of the guilt and focus on healing from their loss.

If you are struggling with grief and want to work through it in counseling, I’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

We all know sleep is important, but it’s especially important for good mental health. There is a wealth of research that indicates good sleep practices can improve mood and are part of an overall healthy lifestyle. Average adults need about 7-8 hours of sleep per night and children/adolescents need about 9-10 hours. The tips below can help you establish good sleep practices and get the rest you need for optimal functioning.

• Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning to establish consistency with your sleep schedule.
• Do not nap during the day. Let your tiredness build so you are good and sleepy at bedtime.
• Don’t consume caffeine 6-7 hours prior to bed. Usually that means don’t have any after 3:00pm.
• Avoid alcohol, nicotine, and other drugs as these substances can disrupt sleep tremendously.
• Avoid screens (computer, phone, and TV) for an hour or so prior to bed. The light from the screen wakes up your brain.
• Make your bedroom comfortable. Keep it cool, dark, and free from noise.
• Refrain from exercise and eating large meals prior to bed.
• Only use your bed for sleep. Avoid watching intense TV, eating, doing work, or engaging in other stimulating activities as your bed needs to be associated with rest and nothing else.
• If you have trouble falling asleep or wake up in the night and can’t go back to sleep, get up and do something minimally interesting until you feel tired. Staying in bed and stewing about stressors will be aggravating and make going back to sleep difficult.
• Consider doing a relaxation activity prior to bed like taking a warm bath, using progressive muscle relaxation, engaging in meditation, or listening to a visualization exercise.

If you are struggling with sleep and want to work on it in counseling, I’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

Change is all around us. It happens constantly. The Evolve Counseling Services office is moving locations this month, and this transition got me thinking about change. Not to mention, the pumpkin spice latte is back-a sure sign the seasons are changing and summer is giving way to fall.

Why We Don’t Like Change

I don’t know many people who welcome change with open arms. We seem to resist it if possible and desire to stick with what we know. Some people are more adaptable to change than others, but overall, change is hard for us. I started thinking about why we don’t like change. I informally interviewed colleagues and friends about this topic. This is what we came up with:

• Change comes with uncertainty, and we like to know what’s going to happen.
• Change threatens our sense of control. We may not be in the driver’s seat for a moment.
• We like routine and stability.
• There is comfort in consistency.
• Change contains risk, and it not might pay off.

The Reframe

Yes, we can choose to fear the unknown and view change as scary. But, we have another option. We can reframe change as opportunity. It can be the start of something great. It doesn’t have to be a looming monster we fear. If we accept change and choose to see it as an opportunity, hope replaces fear.

Come See Our New Office

As I mentioned, the Evolve Counseling Services office is moving locations. I’m framing this transition as a wonderful opportunity and looking forward to getting settled in. We’ll be hosting an open house for the community to come see us. Hope to see you there. Details to come.

-Lindsey-

There are numerous theoretical orientations counselors can use to guide therapy. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an evidenced-based orientation that has been shown to be a very effective treatment for a variety of mental health issues.

The Relationship between Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

The main premise that guides CBT is that there is a strong link between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Our thoughts (cognitions) influence how we feel, our behaviors influence our thoughts, our feelings shape how we behave, and so on. For example, if a person says to himself “I am a total failure and a loser” (the cognition), then his feeling is likely depressed, defeated, and hopeless. These feelings make the person isolate and sleep excessively (the behavior). It’s not possible for people to change how they feel directly, so we must change the way we feel by changing thoughts and changing behaviors.

The Cognitive Side

The cognitive side of CBT starts with recognizing what it is you are telling yourself that’s driving negative feelings. These thoughts are called automatic thoughts, and they are skewed to be negative. In CBT, we challenge automatic thoughts for their validity. We ask questions like “Is this thought objectively true?” “What is my evidence to support this idea?” “What is my evidence to the contrary?” “Are there situations where this doesn’t play out?” “What are alternative explanations for what’s going on?” Through this process, we bring objectivity to our thinking. Once we’ve challenged the automatic thought, we can restructure it to be more representative of what’s actually happening and deflate the negative emotion associated with the automatic thought.

For example, if we challenge the automatic thought “I am a total failure and a loser,” we would likely find many examples from this person’s life where he has succeeded. We could then restructure the thought to be something more helpful like “I make mistakes at times, but I am also successful in areas, and overall, I have achieved quite a bit.” With this restructured thought, the feelings of depression, defeat, and hopelessness decrease in intensity.

The Behavioral Side

The things you do can also be an effective way to change negative feelings. In our example, the person that is isolating and sleeping excessively is going to continue to experience negative emotions because his behaviors are feeding the depression, defeat, and hopelessness. In CBT, we look for opportunities to change behaviors that are contributing to negative feelings. Instead of isolating, our person could go get coffee with a friend or go to the gym and get some exercise. He could do some volunteer work or go to a concert. Getting out of the house and interacting with others will decrease the negative emotion.

If you think CBT would be an effective treatment for you, or you’d like to learn more about it, please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

Many people experience clinical depression. In fact, recent studies have shown about 20% of the population in the United States will experience Major Depressive Disorder at some point in their lives. But what is clinical depression? How is that different than just feeling down or sad? The information below outlines the signs and symptoms of clinical depression.

The Picture…

A persistent feeling of sadness

• In clinical depression, a person’s mood becomes consistently sad and hopeless. This feeling is persistent, and the person has very little reprieve, if any.

Loss of Interest

• People usually find themselves uninterested in activities they used to enjoy. The activities seem unappealing and pointless.

Sleep Changes

• People with clinical depression find themselves sleeping too much (hypersomnia) or too little (insomnia). Sometimes they vacillate between these two states.

Appetite/Weight Changes

• Clinical depression can cause people to lose their appetites and eat too little, and it can also cause people to become hungrier and overeat. Unintentional weight fluctuation is common.

Psychomotor Impacts

• People with clinical depression may seem slowed down. Their speech and movements can appear noticeably slow. The opposite can also be true with clinical depression. People may feel like they can’t sit still. A feeling of restlessness predominates and makes them fidgety.

Low Energy

• Feeling unmotivated, fatigued, and minimal energy is common in clinical depression. Some people even feel like it’s difficult to get out of bed.

Feeling Worthless or Guilt

• People with clinical depression usually feel like they don’t matter. An undeserved feeling of guilt may also be experienced.

Poor Concentration

• An inability to think clearly and focus is also common in clinical depression. People struggle to sustain attention or make decisions.

Thoughts about Death or Suicide

• Clinical depression can trigger thoughts about death, dying, and even taking one’s life. This a serious symptom that needs attention quickly.

In clinical depression, people experience a majority of the symptoms described above for at least 2 weeks. If you believe you may be depressed and have further questions, or if you’d like to seek treatment for depression, please give our office a call.

-Lindsey-

Mindfulness has been gaining attention as this topic is researched further, and the benefits continue to accumulate. Most people have heard the term mindfulness, but what exactly is it?

The Basics…

One of the leading researchers on this topic, Jon Kabat-Zinn offers a definition: “The awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.” I’ve distilled that definition down to something a little more basic. I define mindfulness as intentionally paying attention to the present and placing your focus on this moment. Mindfulness is the conscious choice not to get wrapped up in events from the past and not to worry about what the future has in store. It is living life in this moment.

Why is Mindfulness Important?

When we get stuck thinking about the past or worrying about the future, unpleasant emotions arise and plague us. We then experience manufactured emotions that cause distress and aren’t helpful. We can’t change the events of the past, and we can’t predict the future, so why feel as if these things are happening in the here and now? Most of the time, life is fairly peaceful. If we focus on the present, we save ourselves from undue stressful emotions. Several studies have shown the effectiveness of mindfulness which includes reducing the odds of having another episode of depression, reducing anxiety, reducing chronic pain, decreasing binge eating, and increasing tolerance of distressing situations.

How to be Mindful

There are different ways to focus on the present. People can be mindful of thoughts, emotions, scenery, breath, physical sensations, etc. For, example, when being mindful of scenery, individuals learned to consciously observe what they see. They notice the subtle variations in colors as well as the shapes, textures, and fine details of the things in front of them. Their focus is entirely devoted to studying the information coming into their eyes and fully participating in the experience. There is nothing else intruding in their minds, and if something does come up, they notice the change in attention, and shift their focus back to the scene in front of them.

If you are interested in mindfulness training and want to work on it in counseling, I’d love to talk with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-

Anxiety is unpleasant. It nags at us, gets in the way, and can disrupt life to varying degrees. Understanding anxiety can be helpful in facing it. Once you know what you’re dealing with, it doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Anxiety can take different forms, but at it’s core, it’s a result of your brain sending out a false alarm that causes worry, nervousness, obsessions, or panic.

The Evolution of Anxiety

Early humans developed anxiety as a survival mechanism to keep them alive. The harsh conditions required them to sense dangerous situations quickly. Anxiety was a very helpful tool in this regard, and over the years, it became hardwired into our brains. Some of our anxiety is accurate. There are situations that we should absolutely be anxious about-a reckless driver next to you, a tornado headed for your house, a snarling dog running toward you. We should feel anxiety in these situations, and our flight or fight response will be triggered to keep us alive. We can thank our ancestors for that.

The Lie of Anxiety

The situations mentioned above warrant anxiety. However, a lot of the time, we experience anxiety when it’s not necessary. Our brain tells us something is dangerous when that’s not the case. We have the same anxiety reaction that we have in a truly dangerous situation, and so we struggle to see we’re actually not in any danger. In their book, CBT for Anxiety, authors Kimberly J. Morrow and Elizabeth DuPont Spencer liken anxiety to a smoke alarm. They explain it goes off when there’s a fire in the home (a truly dangerous situation), but it also goes off when you burn the pizza (not so dangerous).

The Relationship between Anxiety and Avoidance

What do we do when we feel anxious? We tend to avoid the thing that’s making us feel that way. Although avoidance feels good in the moment, we are actually training our brains to fear that situation even more. Every time we avoid, we reinforce the idea that the situation we were in was in fact dangerous. Our anxiety grows, and we get caught in the cycle of avoid, strengthen the belief that the situation was dangerous, increase anxiety, avoid, and so on. The good news? Anxiety is quite treatable! The first step is understanding the distinction between accurate anxiety and the false alarm.

If you are struggling with anxiety and want to work through it in counseling, I’d love to chat with you. Please give our office a call, and we can discuss further.

-Lindsey-