Let’s be real—breakups suck. Whether you were together for six months or six years, letting go of someone you shared your life with can feel like someone pulled the rug out from under you. It’s no surprise that a lot of people start therapy after a breakup. You’re not just losing a partner, you’re losing routines, shared spaces, inside jokes, future plans, and maybe even a shared pet or group of friends. And honestly, your whole world can feel like it’s been flipped upside down.
If you’re in the middle of this kind of mess right now, we see you. You’re probably feeling confused, angry, sad, numb, or all of those things at once. So, how do you even start to get over a breakup when your heart feels like it’s been stomped on?
There’s No “One Way” to Heal
Here’s the first truth you need to hear: there’s no perfect formula for getting over someone. This isn’t like treating a cold where you just take some medicine and rest and then you’re good in a few days. Relationships are messy and often time-consuming, and so is grieving them.
A breakup isn’t just a simple “goodbye.” It usually comes with all kinds of extras. From arguments, miscommunications, packing up your stuff, figuring out who keeps what, and maybe even deciding who gets to keep the friend group or the favorite brunch spot. It’s untangling lives that were intertwined, and that’s not just painful, it’s disorienting.
Between the silence, the quiet apartment, the suddenly too-big bed, the feeling of not knowing who you are without that person in your day-to-day life. That stuff hits hard, and it’s sudden.
And here’s the kicker: emotionally, we’re almost never ready for it. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how mature the relationship was. You still end up walking through some version of denial, sadness, anger, self-blame, and questioning your worth. You replay conversations. You wonder if you were too much, not enough, or if you missed some sign that things were headed this way. Your brain goes into overdrive searching for answers it may never find.
Honestly, if it feels like you’re spiraling a bit, that’s not you being dramatic. That’s grief. And heartbreak is a kind of grief. You’re mourning not just a person, but the future you imagined with them.
Step One: Self-Care Isn’t Optional
Let’s talk self-care—but not in the fluffy, bubble-bath-and-face-mask kind of way (though those things are totally valid, too).
This is about caring for yourself in a way that says, “I still matter. I’m still here. I’m worth taking care of.” After a breakup, it’s easy to let yourself spiral. You stop eating well, you isolate, you stay in bed too long, and you replay every little thing that went wrong.
You don’t need to be productive or make a big life pivot right away. But you do need to start showing up for yourself, even in small ways. Go for walks. Try a workout class. Journal about what you’re feeling. Cook something nourishing, even if you cry while you stir the pot. Blast your favorite angry music or scream-sob in the car if that’s your thing.
The point is to keep moving and not become too fixated on your ex. To remind your brain and body that you are still living. Heartbreak wants to paralyze you. But you don’t have to let it.
Also, take breaks from social media. Seriously. Seeing happy couples on Instagram while you’re trying not to text your ex is like rubbing salt in a wound.
Step Two: Feel It to Heal It
Here’s something we don’t hear enough: You don’t have to rush your healing. The pressure to “move on” or “be over it” can be overwhelming, especially when everyone around you is telling you to “get back out there.”
But numbing your pain, whether it’s with dating apps, alcohol, work, or distractions, might just delay your healing and often leads to anxiety and depression. It doesn’t make the grief disappear; it just puts it on pause.
Instead, try leaning into it. Let yourself feel the sadness, loneliness, and confusion. Cry. Write down the things you wish you could say. Talk to a friend who gets it. Or better yet, talk to a therapist in a safe space. Saying it out loud can take some of the weight off your chest. You can receive some of the best advice from someone on the outside looking in.
There is also a good old talk it out with your BFF or family member. Getting some feedback isn’t bad, but it might take a little tough skin, and it requires being honest about how you feel and what happened. Some great advice can come from those closest to you. As long as it doesn’t become a bashing session, getting input from others who have had experience with this or who understand what it’s like to be on the other end can be helpful.
And if you’re tempted to text your ex just for closure, ask yourself first: Is this really going to help me heal? Or am I just hoping they’ll tell me what I want to hear? Sometimes closure comes from within.
Remember: It Wasn’t All Perfect
When we’re grieving a relationship, our brains tend to play tricks on us. Suddenly, we’re only remembering the amazing things: The way they looked at you that one time, the way you laughed together, the cute vacations. That’s normal, but it’s also not the full picture.
You have to balance the highlight reel with reality. Ask yourself: Were we truly compatible? Did I feel secure, seen, and respected? Chances are, there were real reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. Don’t romanticize the connection to the point where you forget what wasn’t working. That doesn’t mean you weren’t in love. It just means love isn’t always enough.
You Deserve Joy (Even If It Feels Out of Reach Right Now)
At some point, maybe not today, maybe not this month, you’ll laugh again and it won’t feel forced. You’ll sleep through the night without waking up thinking about them. You’ll feel excited about your future again.
And yes, you’ll love again.
Right now, that might sound like a stretch. You might be thinking, “No one will ever get me like they did,” or “What if I never feel that spark again?”, or “Were they the one that got away?”
But love isn’t this one-time, once-in-a-lifetime thing. People grow. We learn from our relationships. And with time (and a little patience with yourself), you’ll be in a different place, and likely with someone who matches the version of you that’s healing and growing right now.
A Few More Self-Care Ideas (Because You Deserve Options)
- Move your body
- Even a 10-minute walk helps reset your mind.
- Journal freely
- Get all those what-ifs and angry thoughts out of your head.
- Create something
- Draw, cook, build a playlist, knit a scarf. Anything creative helps move emotions.
- Try therapy —
- Seriously, it’s not just for “big” problems. A good therapist helps you process and move forward.
- Lean on your people
- Talk to friends who won’t just say “you’re better off” but will really listen.
- Say yes to new things
- Take a class. Join a club. Travel somewhere new. Let life show you something different.
You’re Going to Be Okay
It’s cliché, but it’s true. You will get through this. Not overnight, not without tears, and probably not without some Netflix binges and angry texts you type but don’t send.
But you will get through it.
And on the other side, there’s a version of you who’s wiser, more grounded, and ready for a love that truly fits the person you’ve become.
If you’re struggling to process everything, you’re not alone. This stuff is hard, and there’s no shame in asking for help. If you want to talk through it, counselors Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC, at Evolve Counseling in Fort Collins, Colorado, are there. We can talk through online sessions or in person, and with years of experience using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), you will be guided every step of the way.