Ever walk away from a conversation thinking, “Ugh, I should’ve said something,” or “Wow, I didn’t mean to come off that harsh”? You’re not alone. A lot of us struggle to say what we mean in a way that feels true to ourselves, without either clamming up or bulldozing people. That sweet spot in between? That’s called assertive communication.
Let’s talk about what that actually looks like and how you can get better at it.
Communication Styles 101: Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive
Before we dive into assertiveness, let’s zoom out. There are three common ways people tend to communicate:
Passive Communication
This is the “I’ll just go along with it” or “It’s fine, no worries” approach—even when it’s not fine. If you’re someone who avoids conflict, doesn’t speak up for yourself, or regularly puts others’ needs before your own, you’re probably stuck in passive mode.
What usually happens over time? You bottle things up, resentment starts to build, and then… boom. A sudden outburst or a total shutdown. That’s the thing about passive communication—it doesn’t really avoid conflict; it just delays it.
Aggressive Communication
This is the opposite extreme. Aggressive communication is all about control: raising your voice, interrupting, being demanding, or trying to dominate a conversation. People who use this style might get their way in the moment, but it often leads to hurt feelings or dismissal.
Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is the middle ground. It’s direct without being pushy. Respectful without being a pushover. It’s saying, “Here’s how I feel and what I need,” while still giving the other person space to respond. Assertive communication is calm, clear, and confident, and believe it or not, it’s something you can learn.
What Does Assertiveness Actually Look Like?
Being assertive isn’t about being louder. It’s about being clearer. Here’s what it tends to sound and feel like:
- You say what you need without apologizing for it.
- You use calm, even tones instead of yelling or whispering.
- You make good eye contact and keep your body relaxed and open.
- You’re honest, but not hurtful.
- You listen as much as you talk.
A big part of assertive communication is learning to respect yourself and the other person in the conversation. It’s not about winning—it’s about being heard and hearing others, too.
Real Talk: Why Is Assertiveness So Hard?
For many people, being assertive doesn’t come naturally. Maybe you grew up in a household where speaking up led to conflict. Or maybe you were taught to always “be nice” and put others first. On the flip side, if you’ve ever felt ignored or disrespected, it might feel like you have to push hard to get people to listen.
No matter where you’re coming from, assertiveness is a skill, not a personality trait. It’s something you can practice, build, and get better at over time.
Tips for Communicating Assertively
There are a few ways to start flexing that assertiveness muscle:
1. Using “I” Statements
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I get frustrated when I don’t feel heard, and I don’t feel heard right now.”
It’s a small change to use the word “I”, but it puts the focus on your own experience instead of blaming the other person.
2. Pause Before Reacting
If you feel yourself getting tense, angry, or anxious in a conversation, take a beat. A breath or two can help you ground yourself so you don’t fall into old patterns (like snapping or shutting down).
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to need space. It’s okay to ask for help. Assertiveness means knowing your limits and communicating them without shame.
Dealing with Criticism Without Taking It Personal
It can be really difficult to stay assertive, especially when someone is criticizing you—especially if it feels unfair. The temptation might be to either get defensive (aggressive) or totally shut down (passive). Assertiveness gives you a third option: stay grounded, stay kind, and respond with honesty.
Try this:
“I hear what you’re saying, and I’m open to talking about it. Can we slow down and figure this out together?”
You’re not pretending everything’s fine, and you’re not throwing punches. You’re staying in the conversation—and that’s powerful.
Tension and Communication: Why Your Body’s Involved Too
Ever notice how your shoulders creep up to your ears when you’re stressed? Or how your stomach knots up when you’re trying to keep the peace? That’s your body reacting to difficult conversations. Whether you lean more passive or aggressive, tension tends to show up physically: tight jaw, clenched fists, shallow breathing—you name it.
Being assertive means checking in with your body, not just your words.
Easy Ways to Loosen the Tension
It can be hard to communicate clearly when you’re wound up with anger or confusion. There are a few simple ways to release some of that pressure.
- Go for a walk or workout. Movement helps clear your head and calm your nerves.
- Try progressive muscle relaxation. Tense and release one body part at a time.
- Breathe slow and deep. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and slowly exhale through your mouth.
- Do a short guided meditation. There are plenty of free ones available online.
- Stretch or do a bit of yoga. Even just 5 minutes can make a difference.
- Visualize a calm space. Picture a place that feels peaceful to you.
The more you get in tune with your body, the easier it’ll be to notice when you’re starting to tighten up—and the easier it’ll be to choose a different response in the moment.
Assertiveness is Respect in Action
Assertiveness isn’t about controlling others or avoiding conflict; it’s about showing up for yourself in a way that also respects the people around you. And yes, it takes practice. But the more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
If this is something you’d like help with, Evolve Counseling Services Fort Collins has specialists who can help. Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC specialize in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and with this comes a toolbox and a how-to guide to help you along the way.
If you want to talk with them but going into the office isn’t an option, they also offer online therapy to help make the process easier.
You don’t have to figure it out on your own, there are people out there who are happy to help!