Have you ever noticed how good it feels when someone compliments you? Maybe they tell you that you did a great job at work, that they like your new haircut, or that you’re fun to be around. Those moments feel amazing — but here’s the thing: when we start depending on other people’s approval to feel okay about ourselves, life can get pretty exhausting.
It might show up as people-pleasing, worrying too much about what others think, or feeling anxious if we sense disapproval. Over time, this can lead to chasing things we don’t even want — jobs, appearances, lifestyles — just because they look good to others.
If you’re nodding along right now, you’re not alone. At Evolve Counseling Services in Fort Collins, we see this pattern all the time. And we also see people break free from it, learning to build confidence and self-worth that don’t disappear the second someone raises an eyebrow.
So let’s dig into what’s really happening, why it hurts, and what you can do to start feeling steady and grounded no matter what other people think.
What We Mean by Approval-Based Self-Worth
When we talk about self-worth depending on others, we mean tying how good you feel about yourself to external things:
- What people say about you
- How much approval or recognition you get
- Whether you seem “successful” in the eyes of others
Psychologists call this contingent self-esteem — basically, your self-esteem is on a leash, and someone else is holding it.
This doesn’t just show up in obvious ways like craving compliments. It can sneak into your work life when you overwork yourself just to look impressive, or into your relationships when you say yes to things you don’t want to do because you don’t want anyone to be upset with you.
This will often sound like:
I feel like I’m wearing a mask all the time. At work, I’m the overachiever. With friends, I’m the funny one. With family, I’m the responsible one. I don’t even know who I actually am anymore — I just try to be whatever people want.
That’s the trap of approval-based self-worth. You end up chasing acceptance and losing yourself in the process.
Why We Get Pulled Into It
So why does this happen in the first place? Why do so many of us tie our self-worth to what others think?
Early Messages Stick Around
If you grew up hearing things like “Be good and people will like you” or only got attention when you achieved something impressive, it makes sense that approval feels like the currency of worth. Maybe as a kid, you brought home straight A’s and saw the pride in your parents’ faces — and somewhere along the way, you learned that success = love.
Fast forward to adulthood, and now when your boss frowns at a report or a friend doesn’t text back, it can feel like the floor drops out from under you.
We Compare… Constantly
Social media doesn’t help here. It’s basically designed to make us compare our lives to everyone else’s highlight reel. We see other people’s vacations, promotions, perfect kids, and beautiful homes and start feeling like we’re behind — or like we need to do more just to keep up.
Maybe you’ve posted something online and then found yourself checking over and over to see if anyone “liked” it. That little dopamine hit feels good for a second, but it keeps you hooked on external approval.
We Want to Belong
Humans are wired for connection. We want to feel accepted, like we belong somewhere. That’s normal and healthy — but when belonging turns into performing for acceptance, it gets tricky.
For example, if you always change how you act depending on who you’re around because you’re scared of being judged, you might feel like you’re living someone else’s life instead of your own.
Culture Sends Strong Messages
Our culture glorifies success, beauty, and status. Think about how often you hear phrases like “climbing the ladder,” “looking your best,” or “building your brand.” It’s no wonder so many people feel like they have to earn their worth through achievements, appearance, or popularity.
Personality Plays a Role
Some people are naturally more sensitive to feedback. If you’re the kind of person who notices every sigh, frown, or compliment, you might be more likely to tie your worth to how others respond. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed — it just means awareness is especially important for you.
Why It Hurts So Much
At first, approval-seeking can feel harmless. Who doesn’t like being liked? But over time, it takes a toll. Here’s how:
- Emotional ups and downs. When someone praises you, you feel great. When they criticize you, you feel crushed. Your mood becomes a rollercoaster.
- Anxiety and stress. You’re constantly on edge, worried about whether you’re saying or doing the “right” thing to keep people happy.
- Losing yourself. When you’re always performing for others, it’s easy to forget what you actually want.
- Relationship struggles. People-pleasing can lead to resentment because you give so much of yourself without feeling truly seen or valued for who you are.
- Burnout. Trying to be perfect, impressive, or endlessly agreeable eventually wears you out.
Here’s what it looks like in everyday life:
- You agree to help a coworker even though you’re already drowning in work because you don’t want to seem unhelpful.
- You stress about what to wear to an event because you’re scared of being judged.
- Someone criticizes your idea in a meeting, and you spend the rest of the day replaying it in your head, wondering if everyone thinks you’re incompetent.
These might seem like small moments, but they add up. Over time, they chip away at your confidence and make life feel heavier than it needs to.
What It Looks Like to Build Self-Worth from the Inside
So what’s the alternative? How do you start feeling okay about yourself without needing constant approval from others?
It starts with building what psychologists call authentic self-worth — a sense of value that comes from within instead of from everyone else’s reactions.
- You make decisions based on your values, not on whether everyone will approve.
- Criticism still stings sometimes (you’re human!), but it doesn’t wreck your whole day or make you question your worth.
- You stop overcommitting just to keep people happy and start setting boundaries instead.
- You feel more like you — not a version of yourself carefully edited for different audiences.
For example, instead of saying yes to every request at work to seem helpful, you might say, “I can’t take that on right now,” and trust that your value isn’t defined by always being available.
How to Start Breaking Free from Approval-Seeking
This isn’t an overnight switch. If you’ve been living for others’ approval for years, it takes time to unlearn those habits. But it is possible.
1. Notice When It’s Happening
Awareness is the first step.
- When do you feel anxious about what people think?
- When do you say yes even though you want to say no?
- When do you feel “less than” because of someone’s reaction (or lack of one)?
Jot down a few notes. Patterns will start to emerge.
2. Get Clear on Your Values
If you don’t know what actually matters to you, it’s easy to get swept up in what matters to everyone else. Take some time to list your top values — things like honesty, kindness, growth, creativity, adventure.
When you make decisions, ask yourself, Does this align with my values, or am I just trying to impress someone?
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Most approval-seekers are really hard on themselves. Try talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend.
If you mess up, instead of saying, “I’m such an idiot,” try, “That didn’t go the way I wanted, but everyone makes mistakes. I can learn from this.”
It feels cheesy at first, but self-compassion takes the pressure off needing others to constantly reassure you.
4. Challenge Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself thinking, They must think I’m terrible, ask:
- What evidence do I actually have?
- Is there another possible explanation?
- Even if they did think that, does it truly define me?
Often, our brains assume the worst when we don’t have the full story.
5. Start Small with Boundaries
Saying no can feel terrifying if you’re used to people-pleasing. Start with small things.
- Decline an invitation when you’re exhausted instead of pushing yourself to go.
- Tell a coworker you can’t help with a project this time.
- Share your actual opinion in a low-stakes conversation.
Each time you survive someone’s possible disapproval, you teach your brain that it’s safe to be yourself.
6. Limit Comparison
If scrolling social media leaves you feeling like you’re not enough, take a break. If you can’t seem to put it down or remove it from your homepage, use it for good. You can find pages with positive messages that make you feel uplifted and like you can do something.
7. Get Support
Sometimes these patterns run deep, and it helps to talk them through with someone who gets it. A therapist can help you untangle where this started, build new habits, and practice healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
When to Reach Out
If you’ve been reading this and thinking, This is me. This is my life, it might be time to talk to someone. At Evolve Counseling Services in Fort Collins, we have therapists like Ben and Lindsey who provide CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and this is a proven method to help you reshape your thought process and help you break free from the approval-seeking cycle and build a steadier, more authentic sense of self-worth.
You don’t have to keep living for other people’s opinions. You can feel grounded in who you are, make choices that actually align with your values, and stop second-guessing yourself every time someone frowns.
