With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, let’s take a second to talk about something that really matters in relationships: attachment styles, or how we attach to the people we love.
Attachment isn’t just some fancy therapy term. It’s the way we connect, depend on, and relate to others emotionally. And believe it or not, we all have a “style,” whether we know it or not.
There are 4 attachment styles that have been identified. Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized. Sometimes people fit cleanly into one category, and sometimes people are a mix (that’s normal, too!).
1. Secure Attachment – The Ideal Zone
This is what we’re aiming for. Those who fall within the secure attachment style are fairly comfortable being close to others without feeling smothered or overly dependent.
They:
- Feel okay leaning on their partner emotionally, and are cool being leaned on too.
- Have their own lives, hobbies, and friends, and respect that their partner does too.
- Communicate openly without playing games or bottling things up.
- Know how to manage their emotions. Even when something goes wrong, they stay grounded.
Imagine someone who says, “I love spending time with you, but I also need my Sunday solo hike to recharge.” That’s secure attachment in action.
Now, there are three others that fall into what we call an insecure attachment. These styles can lead to bumps (or even breakdowns) in relationships, but the good news? They can change.
2. Avoidant Attachment – “I’m Fine On My Own”
People with this style like to keep their distance. They might seem chill and self-reliant, but underneath, they’re often uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
- Lots of space… maybe too much. They pull away when things get too emotionally intense.
- A big focus on independence: “I don’t need anyone,” vibes.
- Holding things in until it all spills out at once.
- Minimal emotional expression—like trying to avoid “the talk” at all costs.
Picture someone who disappears for a few days after an argument, then shows up like nothing happened. They’re probably trying to regulate their feelings without letting anyone in.
Avoidant folks often grow up with caregivers who weren’t emotionally available, so they learned to cope by shutting things down.
3. Anxious Attachment – “Do You Still Like Me?”
Anxious attachment shows up as fear of rejection, abandonment, and not being enough. People with this style crave closeness, but it often comes with a lot of stress on the other person as well.
- Constantly needing reassurance: “Are you mad at me?” or “Do you still love me?”
- Feeling panicked if a partner wants alone time.
- Getting really affected by small changes in tone, texting habits, or moods.
- Struggling to set boundaries or express needs without feeling “too much.”
Imagine someone texting 10 times in a row when their partner hasn’t replied in an hour. It’s not just about the need to have them see the message and know what they wanted them to know, but it’s about the fear underneath.
4. Disorganized Attachment – “Come Here… No, Go Away”
This one’s the most complex. Disorganized attachment usually develops after some childhood trauma, like abuse, neglect, or a chaotic home environment. It shows up in many different ways.
- Being hot and cold in relationships, or wanting connection but feeling terrified of it.
- Frequent conflict, emotional outbursts, or shutdowns.
- Trouble with empathy or trust.
- A pattern of pushing people away and then feeling abandoned.
Someone with this style might say, “I don’t need anyone,” but also feel crushed when left alone. It’s like their internal compass is spinning.
So Where Does This All Come From?
Our attachment styles usually start in childhood. If your caregivers were consistent, loving, and responsive, you probably built a secure foundation. If they were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or harmful, that can lead to an insecure style.
But here’s the really good news: Your attachment style isn’t set in stone.
You Can Shift Toward Secure
Even if you grew up with shaky emotional support, you can absolutely build more secure attachment as an adult. It takes work, but it’s doable.
Here’s what helps:
- Therapy. Yep, working with someone trained in attachment helps you explore old patterns and build new ones. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a proven method used to help, and we at Evolve Counseling Services specialize in this approach.
- Awareness. Knowing your style is half the battle. Once you see it, you can start to shift.
- Healthy relationships. Being with someone secure can be healing—it shows you what safe love looks like.
- Self-work. That means setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and learning how to regulate your emotions instead of reacting from fear.
Communication Differences by Attachment Style
Secure folks tend to talk things out clearly and calmly. They’re okay expressing needs and hearing their partner’s needs, too.
Avoidant folks, on the other hand, might dodge emotional talks altogether. They downplay things like “needing support” or “feeling hurt.”
Anxious types tend to over-explain or over-text. Their emotions often come out fast and strong, especially if they sense something’s off.
Disorganized individuals might communicate in ways that feel confusing or even contradictory—say one thing, feel another.
How Attachment Affects Trust + Intimacy
- Secure
- Trust their partner and themselves. They’re okay with emotional closeness.
- Anxious
- Want closeness so badly it can feel overwhelming. They worry a lot about being left.
- Avoidant
- Keep their guard up. They’re not quick to trust or let people in emotionally.
- Disorganized
- Torn between craving connection and being terrified of it.
Emotion Regulation + Coping
How we handle tough stuff—like arguments, stress, or even everyday misunderstandings—can show a lot about our attachment style.
- Secure
- Take deep breaths, talk it through, don’t spiral.
- Anxious
- Might panic or cry quickly, and need constant reassurance.
- Avoidant
- Shut down or pretend they don’t care.
- Disorganized
- Might yell, ghost, or bounce between reactions without warning.
It’s not about being “bad” or “broken.” These are all coping skills people developed when they were younger, often in response to environments that didn’t feel safe.
Self-Worth and Attachment
- Secure folks feel worthy of love and give it freely.
- Anxious folks often tie their worth to how their partner is treating them that day.
- Avoidant folks rely heavily on self-sufficiency and avoid vulnerability, even with themselves.
- Disorganized folks can bounce between self-doubt and defensiveness, depending on the moment.
You’re Not Stuck, and Evolve Counseling Can Help
Your attachment style doesn’t define you; it’s just a map of where you’ve been. If you don’t like where that map is leading, you can change direction.
With some intentional work, new habits, and maybe the help of therapists like Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC, who specialize in CBT, it’s totally possible to build the kind of connection that feels safe, steady, and deeply fulfilling.
At Evolve Counseling Services in Fort Collins, we work with individuals who are ready to grow, heal, and connect in healthier ways. We also offer online therapy for those who prefer to meet in the comfort of their own home or office.
If you’re curious where you fall on the attachment spectrum or want to work toward more secure personal relationships, we’re here to help.