With Valentine’s Day in the air, let’s talk about real relationships. Not the highlight reels, but the stuff that actually matters behind the scenes. Everyone loves to talk about what makes relationships great—trust, communication, attraction, shared goals—but it’s just as important to know what to keep out.
Some habits quietly break down even the strongest connections if you’re not paying attention. And in today’s world of social media pressure, unrealistic expectations, mental health struggles, and constant comparison, it’s easier than ever to drift apart without realizing it.
Relationship expert John Gottman identified what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—behaviors that, when left unchecked, can completely derail a relationship.
These aren’t just one-off bad moments. They’re habits that creep in slowly and, if not dealt with, turn into patterns that break trust, kill intimacy, and make you feel more like enemies, roommates, or strangers than partners.
Criticism
Criticism shows up when frustration turns personal. Instead of pointing out a behavior, you start attacking your partner’s character. It’s the difference between saying, “I wish you’d help more with dinner,” and “You’re so selfish, you never think about anyone else.”
When criticism becomes a habit, it chips away at your partner’s sense of safety in the relationship. They start to feel like they can’t do anything right, and communication turns into blame rather than teamwork.
Sometimes, criticism comes from a deeper place. You might lash out about something small—how they load the dishwasher or fold the towels, but the real issue is that you feel overwhelmed, ignored, or just plain disconnected. It’s also common to criticize your partner for the same things you’re hard on yourself about.
The key is recognizing when you’ve shifted from expressing a need to launching an attack, and finding a better way to express what you really want underneath all that frustration.
Contempt
Contempt is like criticism with an extra layer of cruelty. It’s sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling, or acting like you’re better than your partner. It’s the emotional equivalent of standing above someone and pushing them down.
Contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings, it crushes your connection. It’s actually the strongest predictor of divorce, according to Gottman’s research. Once this shows up regularly in a relationship, everything starts to feel hostile. There’s no room for affection when you feel constantly belittled.
Maybe you tease your partner in a way that feels more mean than funny, or you scoff when they try to be vulnerable. Even if it comes from your own pain or insecurity, contempt creates distance.
If you find yourself rolling your eyes or making passive-aggressive jokes, it might be time to check in with yourself and what’s really going on underneath that bitterness.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is something we all do when we feel under attack. You feel misunderstood or blamed, and your first instinct is to explain, justify, or push the blame back. It can sound a lot like, “Well, I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t ignored me all day,” or “I was just joking, you’re too sensitive.”
The problem with defensiveness is that it shuts down conversation. It keeps you stuck in a cycle where no one feels heard, and nothing actually gets solved.
Defensiveness also makes your partner feel like their feelings don’t matter, especially if they’re trying to express something hard. It’s tough to own your part in a disagreement, especially if you’re not used to being in relationships where vulnerability was safe.
But when you approach things with empathy instead of ego, you open the door for real connection—even in conflict.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one person emotionally checks out during conflict. Maybe they stop talking, walk away, stare at the TV, or just shut down. It usually happens when someone feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to cope. But even if it’s not meant to hurt, it still sends a painful message: “You don’t matter enough for me to stay present.”
In some relationships, stonewalling turns into punishment—ignoring texts, avoiding physical touch, or refusing to be affectionate until the other person “earns” it back. It can also stem from insecurity.
Maybe you don’t like how you look or feel, and instead of opening up about it, you pull away and make a hurtful comment that creates more distance.
The longer that emotional wall stays up, the harder it is to break through it later. Relationships need space for both people to express emotions, even the hard ones, without feeling like they’ll be shut out or shut down.
Unrealistic Expectations
One of the quietest killers of connection is expecting your partner to read your mind. A lot of us fall into this trap: if they really loved me, they’d just know what I want. But the truth is, love doesn’t come with telepathy. You have to communicate clearly, especially when it comes to your needs.
Hinting, hoping, or testing your partner almost always backfires. You end up feeling disappointed, and they end up confused or frustrated. This can show up in small things, like expecting them to plan the perfect anniversary, or big things, like wanting more affection but never saying it out loud.
Set your partner up to win by being direct and honest about what you need, instead of punishing them for not figuring it out.
Sneaky Behavior and Deception
There’s never a good reason to be sneaky in a relationship. Whether it’s hiding a conversation with an ex, secretly spending money, or just lying about little things to avoid conflict, it’s a form of betrayal.
If you feel like you have to hide something, it’s worth asking yourself why. Are you afraid they’ll judge you? Are you trying to keep up a version of yourself that doesn’t really feel true anymore?
Honesty isn’t always comfortable, but it builds trust in the long run. And if something’s not sitting right with you, bring it up.
The longer you keep secrets, the more damage they do, especially if you get caught. Trust is hard to build and easy to break, so choose transparency over performance every time.
Social Media and Comparison
Social media has done a number on how we view relationships. We scroll through perfect-looking couples and start comparing our real-life relationship to their curated one.
Maybe you wonder why your partner doesn’t post about you more, or why your relationship doesn’t feel as exciting or romantic as theirs looks. But those images are just highlights—they don’t show the arguments, insecurities, or stress that every couple deals with behind the scenes.
Real love isn’t always aesthetic. It’s messy, complicated, and sometimes a little boring, and that’s okay. Don’t let filters and likes set the standard for your relationship. Focus on what’s working in your connection, not someone else’s.
The Little Things Matter
In the middle of life’s chaos—work, kids, chores, stress—it’s easy to put your relationship on autopilot. But small gestures can make a big difference. Bring home their favorite snack. Hold hands more often. Say thank you for the everyday stuff. Schedule a date night, even if it’s just takeout and a movie.
Don’t let intimacy become a chore or a checkbox. Sex, affection, and emotional connection shouldn’t be “when we have time”—they should be part of your routine. The best relationships aren’t perfect; they’re just intentional. You don’t have to go big all the time, just be consistent.
Healthy relationships aren’t about never fighting—they’re about fighting fair. Conflict is inevitable, but it can be productive and helpful if you stay respectful and open.
Getting Help To Be A Better You
If you don’t feel like this is something you can do on your own, Evolve Counseling Fort Collins can help you. Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC specialize in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and can help you, as an individual, to improve your communication, gain a better understanding of your self-image, and explore past experiences that have shaped you today.
If there are underlying issues, they will help you to work past them on your own, create a plan, and guide you through the process in a safe environment or from the comfort of your home with online therapy. With a specialty in anxiety and depression, they can help you to recognize and overcome most hurdles.
Love is work. But it’s the kind of work that’s worth doing.