There’s a story I love about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
He’s on a late-night talk show, smiling like he always does, when the host flashes old photos of him as a skinny, awkward teenager. The host laughs, “Look at you! You were so scrawny back then! Nothing like now.”
The Rock just grins and says, “Well, I was younger then.”
That’s it. No shame. No overthinking. Just… I was younger then.
If only we could all give ourselves that same grace.
Because let’s be real, most of us can look back at some version of ourselves and cringe. Maybe it’s a decision we made, something we said, or even the way we dressed. Sometimes the memories sting because of things we did, and sometimes because of things that happened to us. Either way, our brains love to hold onto those moments like they’re proof we don’t deserve peace.
But the truth is, your past is not your prison.
Why Your Past Still Shows Up in the Present
Before we can move forward, we have to understand what’s actually holding us back. Sometimes we brush things off and tell ourselves they “weren’t that bad” because we don’t want to deal with them. Other times, we magnify certain memories so much that they start to feel like the only story we have.
The tricky thing is, even if you think you’ve “moved on,” your past can still be steering the wheel, from your relationships, your trust levels, the way you react to conflict, even how you see yourself in the mirror.
Accepting the impact of your past doesn’t mean you have to love it, or excuse bad behavior, or pretend you’re grateful for every awful thing that’s ever happened. It just means you stop arguing with reality. What happened, happened.
When you finally stop fighting the fact that your past shaped you, you create space to actually shape yourself in the present.
One way to start is by asking yourself:
- How does this old experience still show up in my daily life?
- What beliefs about myself came from that time?
- Are those beliefs even true anymore?
Awareness is step one. Without it, you’re trying to fix a problem you haven’t fully named.
The Past Isn’t Where You Live Anymore
Unfortunately, we haven’t invented real time travel yet (and if we had, I’d be first in line to go tell my teenage self to chill out about my haircut). But mentally? We’re all pros at time traveling.
We replay old mistakes. We relive painful moments. We think about what we should have said or what we could have done differently. And before we know it, we’re spending more time in a year that’s long gone than we are in the one we’re actually living in.
Here’s the problem: every time you mentally go back, you pull your focus and energy away from the present. You can’t heal, grow, or make new memories when your brain is still hanging out in 2008.
If you catch yourself “time traveling,” try this:
- Name it out loud. “Okay, I’m replaying that old conversation again.”
- Redirect to right now. Look around and notice five things you can see, hear, or feel.
- Remind yourself. “That version of me didn’t have what I have now.”
Living in the past feels familiar, but it’s not where life is happening anymore. The more time you spend here—in the now—the less power the past has over you.
Facing the Stuff You’ve Been Avoiding
Once you’ve accepted your past’s impact, you can start the messy but life-changing work of processing it.
Processing is basically just finding healthy ways to face those old wounds instead of shoving them in the mental junk drawer and pretending they don’t exist. That might mean therapy, journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or—yes—crying your eyes out when something hits you harder than you expected.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the best tools for this because it helps you spot and rewrite the thought patterns your past handed you. If you’ve always told yourself, “I can’t trust anyone,” CBT helps you test that thought, see where it came from, and build a more balanced belief. And finding a therapist who specializes in this is key, and Lindsey and Ben are specialists here.
But you can also do plenty on your own:
- Write letters you don’t send. To yourself, to people from your past, to situations you wish went differently. Get the words out of your head.
- Map the story. Write down what happened, what you believed about yourself because of it, and what you want to believe now.
- Talk out loud to yourself. Yes, it feels weird, but hearing your own voice say, “I’m safe now” or “That was then, this is now” can calm your nervous system in surprising ways.
- Create a “coping playlist”. Music can change your mood and help you process emotions without words.
Healing isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about removing its chokehold on your present.
Why You Can’t Do This Alone
You do not have to do this alone. And you shouldn’t.
When you’re dealing with deep wounds, the people around you can be the difference between staying stuck and moving forward. Your support system doesn’t have to be huge—sometimes one or two safe, steady people are enough.
Think of support systems like scaffolding. You’re the one doing the building, but they hold you steady when you can’t balance on your own. That might be:
- A therapist from Evolve Counseling Services, Fort Collins, who helps you untangle the knots in your thoughts.
- Friends or family members who listen without judgment.
- Support groups (in-person or online) where people get it.
- Mentors or coaches who can help you set new goals that don’t revolve around old wounds.
If you don’t have those people right now, it’s okay to actively go find them. Join a class, a volunteer group, a faith community, or even a hobby club. Support doesn’t just show up. You build it.
Why Forgiving Yourself Isn’t Optional
We can be incredibly kind to other people, even when they mess up big time. But when it comes to ourselves? Forget it. We hold grudges against past versions of us, like we’re the world’s strictest judge.
The thing is, you cannot shame yourself into becoming a better person. You can only grow when you feel safe enough to try. That’s where self-compassion comes in, and it can be hard to know what that sounds like.
- “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.”
- “I was doing the best I could with what I knew then.”
- “It’s okay to learn and change my mind.”
Forgiveness is the next step. It’s not pretending it didn’t happen, and it’s not excusing hurtful behavior. It’s saying, “I’m not carrying this anymore.” Use the exercises to get better at this. It will feel weird, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the changes will start to come.
- Mirror talk. Look yourself in the eye and say one thing you forgive yourself for today.
- Write a “then and now” list. Write down what you didn’t know back then, and what you know now.
- Replace the critic. When you hear that inner voice tearing you down, speak to yourself the way you would to your best friend.
Because the truth is, holding onto shame doesn’t punish your past self. It only punishes the you that’s alive right now.
Letting Go and Moving Forward
Letting go isn’t some magical moment where you wake up and feel nothing about the past anymore. It’s a daily choice, like deciding to get out of bed even when the sheets are warm and the world feels cold.
Moving forward means deciding that the past doesn’t get to call the shots anymore.
Ways to start:
- Change your environment. If certain places keep triggering old pain, mix up your routines, try new coffee shops, take different routes.
- Practice “thought redirection”. When your mind starts replaying the past, gently guide it to something else: a goal you’re working on, something you’re grateful for, or even just the next step in your day.
- Set micro-goals. Focus on one small thing you can control today instead of trying to fix your entire life at once.
- Do a symbolic release. Write down what you’re letting go of, then rip it up, burn it (safely), or toss it away.
Letting go is also about allowing yourself to build new experiences that aren’t tied to those old memories. The more you fill your life with things that matter to you now, the less room there is for the past to dominate.
Integrating Lessons From the Past
One of the most freeing parts of making peace with your past is realizing you don’t have to throw the whole thing out. There are lessons in there—good ones—that you can actually use.
When we think about bad memories, our first instinct is to shove them in a mental box and slam the lid shut. But if we peek inside, there’s often something worth keeping. Maybe it’s a skill you learned, a strength you didn’t know you had, or a truth about yourself that helps you make better choices now.
Start by asking:
- What did that experience teach me about myself?
- Did it reveal values that matter to me?
- Did it highlight something I never want to repeat?
- Did it push me to build a strength I still use today?
The key is taking the useful parts and leaving the rest behind.
For example, maybe growing up in a chaotic household taught you how to read a room and sense people’s moods. That skill can help you be more empathetic, but it doesn’t mean you have to keep living in “hyper-alert” mode.
Or maybe a rough breakup taught you the importance of setting boundaries. That doesn’t mean you walk into every new relationship expecting disaster. It means you trust yourself to speak up if you see red flags.
Integrating lessons is about turning hindsight into insight. You don’t rewrite history, you just stop letting it write your future for you.
You Don’t Have To Do This On Your Own
Making peace with your past isn’t about erasing it. It’s about owning it, learning from it, and deciding how much of it you want to carry forward.
Some days you’ll feel like you’ve got it figured out, and other days you’ll feel like you’re back at square one. That’s normal. Healing isn’t linear; it’s a spiral. You keep coming back to the same places, but each time, you’re a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little kinder to yourself.
So when your brain tries to drag you into an old memory and make you feel small again, take a note from The Rock and just say, “I was younger then.”
At Evolve Counseling Services, we are easily located in Fort Collins, and Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC are experienced in helping people using CBT and can help you work through your past, and they can help guide you through the hard times, and with online counseling they really have all the tools to help you in the way that’s best for you. You don’t have to figure this all out on your own; there are people here you can turn to.