Grief: What No One Really Tells You
Lately, a lot of my clients have been talking about grief. Not just the obvious kind—like losing a loved one—but all sorts of tough losses. The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman is an excellent resource for understanding and processing grief effectively. Let’s look at some of the insights from the book:
So, What Is Grief, Really?
It’s not just sadness. And it’s definitely not a one-size-fits-all thing. According to James and Friedman, grief is just the natural response to losing something or someone important to you. That could look like a lot of things—anger, confusion, relief, numbness, or even laughter. And sometimes, those emotions show up all at once.
Imagine feeling devastated but also relieved after a loved one passes away following a long illness. That might seem weird, but it’s actually totally normal. The truth is, everyone grieves in their own way. There’s no perfect timeline, no checklist, and no “right” way to feel. Whatever you’re feeling? It’s valid.
Why Grief Feels So Hard
Grief hits us where it hurts—right in the spot where we’d do anything to undo what happened. It makes us wish we could rewind time, fix things, or just stop the loss altogether. But when that’s not possible, we’re stuck with the reality that there’s nothing we can do. And that’s an incredibly hard place to sit.
So what do we do instead? We often get angry. Or we blame someone. Or ourselves. We try to make sense of it, or control the narrative in some way, even if that means feeling guilty for things we didn’t do.
Here’s the thing, though: feeling guilty can feel easier than facing powerlessness. But guilt doesn’t actually help us heal.
The (Unhelpful) Things People Say
Let’s be honest, most people don’t know how to talk about grief. And they definitely don’t know how to sit with it. So they say stuff that sounds comforting on the surface, but can actually shut down the grieving process.
- “Don’t feel bad.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “You should get out more.”
- “Be strong.”
- “Just keep yourself busy.”
Sound familiar? These phrases usually come from a good place. But they can make you feel like you’re supposed to “move on” or pretend like everything’s fine. And if you’re not ready for that (which most people aren’t), it just makes grief feel lonelier.
“The G Word”
This comes up a lot in grief. People say, “I should’ve called more,” or “Why didn’t I do something differently?” James and Friedman call guilt “The G Word,” and they make a really important distinction: guilt implies intent. Like, you meant to hurt someone. But in most grief situations, that’s just not the case.
What’s more common is regret or shame. You wish you’d done things differently. You wish you’d had more time. That’s totally human. But regret isn’t the same as guilt, and confusing the two can keep you stuck. You don’t need to punish yourself in order to honor someone you lost.
So, What Helps?
Grief is messy. It takes time, space, and support to work through—and not the “just give it time” kind. Healing comes from doing the work: unpacking your thoughts, sitting with your emotions, and learning new ways to move forward without burying your pain.
That’s where therapy comes in.
At Evolve Counseling in Fort Collins, we offer a space where you don’t have to pretend you’re okay. We’re here to walk through grief with you, without timelines, toxic positivity, or pressure to just “be strong.” Our therapists, Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC, use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you untangle painful thoughts, process your emotions, and find tools that actually support your healing.
And if coming into the office doesn’t feel doable right now, that’s okay too. We offer secure, online therapy so you can start the process from the comfort of your own home. Whether you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or something less tangible—like a future you imagined—we’re here for it.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Grief might be part of life, but how do you move through it? That’s personal, and you deserve support that meets you where you are.