Let’s talk about depression for a second. It’s not the same as having a bad day or being in a funk. Depression is a very real mental health condition that can hit hard and stick around longer than anyone would like. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s tough to fully get what it feels like. And while most of us mean well, there are things we can say to someone with depression that might do more harm than good. Here’s a rundown of what not to say—and why it matters.
What we shouldn’t say to someone with depression.
1. “Snap Out of It”
First off, if snapping out of depression were an option, don’t you think they would’ve done it already? Telling someone to “snap out of it” is like telling someone with a broken hand to pick up a pen and write an essay. Depression usually involves deep seeded negative beliefs and it’s not something you can will yourself to see differently overnight.
Instead, try something like, “I’m here for you” or “How can I support you today?” It’s a lot more helpful and doesn’t make them feel like their struggle is their fault.
Imagine your best friend, Jamie, just told you they’ve been struggling to get out of bed. Saying “Snap out of it” is basically telling them their feelings aren’t valid. Instead, say, “That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk about it?”
2. “Cheer Up” or “Look on the Bright Side”
We’ve all heard the classic, “Cheer up, it’s not that bad” or “Look on the bright side.” These sayings all come from a good place but are oversimplified responses. Depression doesn’t take a backseat just because someone points out the silver lining. Saying this can make them feel like you’re minimizing their pain.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings. Say, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I’m here to listen.” Sometimes, just being present is enough.
Your coworker Sam is overwhelmed and feeling hopeless. Instead of, “Come on, cheer up! It’ll get better,” say, “It’s okay to feel this way. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
3. “Time Heals All Wounds”
Ah, the timeless (pun intended) phrase that’s meant to comfort but often backfires. Time can be a factor in healing, but depression isn’t something you simply wait out. Hearing this can make someone feel like their struggle is being brushed off.
Instead, try saying, “I know this is hard right now. Healing can take time, and that’s okay. You’re not alone in this.”
If your friend Taylor is dealing with depression after a breakup, don’t tell her, “Time will fix this.” Instead, say, “Breakups are so tough. I’m here for you—even if it’s just to watch Netflix movies and eat ice cream together.”
4. “Other People Have It Worse”
Comparing someone’s pain to someone else’s is a quick way to invalidate their feelings. Yes, other people might be struggling too, but that doesn’t make their depression any less real or significant.
Instead, let them know their feelings matter. Say, “Your pain is valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I want to help however I can.”
If your cousin Alex says they’re feeling really low, don’t respond with, “Well, at least you’re not homeless.” Instead, say, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. How can I support you?”
5. “You Know What You Should Do?”
This one’s tricky because it often comes from a place of wanting to help. But unsolicited advice can feel overwhelming and even condescending when someone’s already struggling.
Instead of suggesting solutions, ask how you can help. Say, “Is there anything you need right now?” or “Would you like help finding resources?” Simply turning the tables asking what they think would help is much more empowering than spouting off recommendations.
Your friend Jordan mentions they’ve been feeling really down. Instead of saying, “You should exercise more” or “Just get outside,” say, “I’m here for you if you need anything. Let me know how I can help.”
6. “You Don’t Look Depressed”
Depression doesn’t have a “look.” People with depression can smile, go to work, and even crack jokes while still battling internally. Telling someone they “don’t look depressed” can make them feel misunderstood and dismissed.
Instead, focus on listening without judgment. Say, “Thank you for sharing this with me, I didn’t realize you were going through this. I’m here to support you.”
Your classmate Mia shares that she’s been struggling, even though she seems fine on the surface. Avoid saying, “But you always seem so happy!” Instead, say, “I had no idea you were feeling this way. I’m here if you want to talk.”
7. “Happiness Is a Choice”
This one stings. Depression isn’t about choosing to be sad. It’s a mental health condition that can affect brain chemicals, and I promise you, no one would choose to feel this way.
Instead, offer empathy and understanding. Say, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not alone, and I’m here to help however I can.”
Your sibling Chris tells you they’ve been feeling really low lately. Avoid saying, “You just need to choose to be happy.” Instead, say, “That sounds really tough. Have you thought about talking to someone who can help? Can I help in any way?”
8. “You Should Be Grateful”
Urging someone to focus on gratitude can come across as dismissive. Depression often makes it hard to see the positives in life, and hearing this can add to feelings of guilt.
Instead, acknowledge their pain without judgment. Say, “I know this is really hard. I’m here for you no matter what.”
Your partner Casey is struggling and feeling like life is overwhelming. Avoid saying, “You should be grateful for what you have.” Instead, say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”
9. “Have You Tried…?”
While it’s natural to want to suggest solutions, people with depression often hear this way too often. It can feel like you’re dismissing the complexity of their condition.
Instead of jumping in with advice, suggest something like, “Have you thought about talking to a counselor? I’d be happy to help you find someone or even go with you if it would make you more comfortable.”
Your coworker Morgan mentions they’re having a hard time. Avoid saying, “Have you tried yoga?” Instead, say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything I can do to help?”
10. “I Thought You Were Stronger Than This”
Man, this one hits hard. Depression doesn’t care how strong you are, it can happen to anyone. Saying this might leave someone feeling weak or ashamed, which is the last thing they need. People with depression are often displaying strength by carrying on with their life in spite of their symptoms.
Instead, let them know how resilient they are. You could say, “You’ve been through so much, and I’m constantly in awe of your strength. It’s totally okay to need help sometimes.”
Your cousin Riley opens up about feeling overwhelmed. Avoid saying, “I thought you were stronger than this.” Instead, say, “You’re one of the strongest people I know. It’s okay to lean on others when things get tough.”
Depression isn’t just about feeling sad—it’s often linked to strongly held negative beliefs that affect how we think, feel, and process emotions. These changes can make it harder to shift out of negative thought patterns, like being stuck on a mental loop. To break that cycle, it takes intentional retraining of the brain, which can happen through therapy, lifestyle changes, or practices like mindfulness. In some cases, medication can help restore balance to those brain chemicals, giving you the boost needed to work through those thoughts. It’s like repairing a train track. Changing direction takes effort, and sometimes extra tools, but it’s possible.
What to Say Instead to Help Someone with Depression
1. Use Technology to Stay Connected
For people with depression, leaving home can feel overwhelming. Using technology, like scheduling a regular video call or sending a thoughtful text can help them feel connected without added pressure. Evolve Counseling Fort Collins offers online therapy to help you have someone to talk to on those rough days you feel like you just can’t do it on your own.
Knowing what not to say is just one piece of the puzzle. But check out a few alternatives that can genuinely help someone struggling with depression:
2. “Is There Something I Can Do for You?”
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. Offer something specific and tangible, like, “I’m picking up groceries—what can I grab for you?” If they’re hesitant to accept help, try reframing it to sound like they’re doing you a favor:
- “My dog is lonely. Can I walk your dog too, so he has a buddy?”
- “I promised my kids a playdate this weekend. Can I take your kids to the park with us?”
3. “What Do You Think Might Help You Feel Better?”
Instead of problem-solving, show that you’re open to their ideas. This respects their autonomy and acknowledges that they know what they need better than anyone else.
4. “Can I Drive You Somewhere?”
Depression can drain energy, making simple tasks like driving feel impossible. Offering a ride can be a small but meaningful gesture.
5. “Can I Come Over and Hang Out?”
Sometimes, a casual visit can work wonders. Offer to spend time with them one-on-one. While you’re there, you could also help with small chores (with their permission) without making a big deal out of it. Just being present can be incredibly comforting.
6. “Thank You for Trusting Me to Support You”
Opening up about depression takes guts. Let them know you appreciate that trust. Saying thanks for letting you in on something so personal can make them feel seen and valued, and it helps build mutual respect.
7. “What Time of Day Is Hardest for You?”
Understanding when they struggle most, whether it’s mornings, evenings, weekends, or holidays, this can help you check in at the right moments. This information can also be helpful if you ever need to contact a mental health professional on their behalf.
8. “I’m Here for You”
It’s simple, but it means a lot. Let them know you’re there, no matter what. This communicates unconditional support without judgment or pressure.
9. Silence
Sometimes, saying nothing and simply listening is the best thing you can do. Be present, hold space, and let them share as much or as little as they want without interruption.
The Takeaway
At the end of the day, supporting someone with depression isn’t about saying the “perfect” thing, it’s about being there, listening, and offering compassion. If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple: “I’m here for you,” “I care about you,” or “You don’t have to go through this alone.” Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just show up and let them know they’re not alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, professional help is a great place to start. Therapy can make a huge difference, and there’s no shame in reaching out for support. At Evolve Counseling Fort Collins, Lindsey Phillips, LPC, and Ben Smith, LPC are here to help those struggling with depression. Whether you’re a college student or a busy professional in Fort Collins, who needs to meet virtually or in person, we’ve got your back. Let’s tackle this together.
